Saturday, November 14, 2009

Few days back, I was ladened with grief. It was not the ‘burden’ of assignments that caused me to break so much. A few dilemmas that kept me thinking for too long, secretly consumed my energy so much that I blamed the ‘wajib hantar’ tasks to be the black sheep. I cursed the datelines given. I sleep so much that I thought sleeping is better than thinking about things that I cannot solve. Being so angry with the last minute works, crying on silly stuff, I still can’t find the answers behind these questions.

1. What bonds meant to me? I do care. But I am happy and comfortable with the spaces that ‘I keep to myself’ all these while that I thought why do we have to be someone else just to make other people momentarily happy? I try to change, I do. Yet, it seems really awkward and sometimes hurtful. I don’t mind the hurtful part dah, seriously. I also have to admit that I did hurt people all the way through too. And I am so sorry about that. (Some ppl just don’t know how to show that they care, although they do care. if you need any help, just ask inggih! =) )

“I feel like Allah has forgiven me so much, that I’ll forgive everyone who has hurt me”.

(Kepada ain: jangan perasan bahawa hanya anda seorang saja yg dilukai ok?! weks)

2. a friend of mine (a Malaysian) who study in Scotland, he asked me this last time we chat through ym :

kawan: a complicated guy with confused heart

ain: the opposite of beautiful is confused is it?

Kawan: nope...

Kawan: but confused is just the right word for me

Kawan: :)

ain: confused on what?

Kawan: God...

Kawan: Religion...

Kawan: Truth

Ain: sebab byk berfikir, atau byk mncari?

Kawan: banyak berfikir tapi tak mampu nak mencari....

Kawan: so still confused....

Ain: can any1 help then?

Kawan:i think most of us believe what we assume to be the truth...

Kawan: i need to help myself

Kawan: no body could help me...

Kawan: but yeah....i will ask from the others...

Kawan: but to believe it,its wholely up to myself

Ain: ko boleh tanya muaallaf, on how are they finding the truth.

Kawan: i am helping a mualaf right now

Ain: aku guna finding sebab aku rasa proses mencari tu berterusan, sentiasa

Ain: xkesah la dah islam mahupun belum

Kawan: but both of us confused too

Ain: apa titik tolak dia nak masuk islam?

Ain: kawan ko tu

Kawan: sbb islam is much better than any other religion...

Kawan: i totally agree with that....

Kawan: but is religion much better?i dont know

Ain: kalo dlm medical field, terutama hal2 mental dan perberdayaan orang tua

Ain: ppl who do have a religion ada better prognosis than ppl who dont

Ain: tapi, bukan sbb itu kan kita jadi muslim

Ain: bukan sbb benefit yg kita nk dapat kat dunia je

Kawan: since non religious people contributed more to mankind...

Kawan: hurm...

Ain: religious ppl olso can contribute to mankind

Kawan: can....but non religious are much better...

Ain: ko sendiri boleh jadi existing legend utk itu,

Ain: kalo ko nak

Kawan: why?religion?i dont know

Ain: mksd contribute more to mankind. mksdnya yg pergi humanitarian work ke?

ain: or yg memonopoli dunia

ain: dgn jadi orang2 kaya

kawan: nope...

ain: "contribute' ada ambiguous view encik …..

Kawan: ok2...

Kawan: medical finding...

Kawan: siapa yg byk jumpa?

Kawan: ramai x muslim contribute?

Kawan: mungkin sbb muslim sibuk sgt fikir psl akhirat tanpa fikir pasal anak cucu dorg bole lawan cancer ke x....

Kawan: mungkin....

Kawan: (sorrylah agak provocative)

Ain: xpe, tu cabaran

Ain: betul, utk zaman sekarang banyak non-muslim yg jumpa cure for meds

ain: dan kita hanya nak berbangga dgn kehebatan saintis islam zaman dulu

Ain: tapi ko tau x, ramai muslim doctors skrg ada kesedaran yg tinggi utk mbangun dunia jugak

Kawan: mostly scientist islam yg dulu ade pandangan berbeza dgn ulama2...

Ain: aku pun xnak jadi orang yg just terkagum dgn pencapaian orang lain

Kawan: then ulama' band scientist2 nih

Kawan: mcm ibnu sina

Kawan: kesedaran?hopefully it will become reality...

Kawan: bagus2..

Kawan: ain...

Kawan: kenapa Allah ciptakan kita bila Allah x perlukan kita?

ain: hmm

ain: bagi aku masa utk fikir soalan tu

Kawan: ok

Kawan: kalo bole based on alquran n sunnah

Kawan:ok?

Ain: aku xboleh nak simply bagi pandangan ttg apa yg aku rasa kan

Ain: iA

Kawan:since allah je yg tau sbbnya...

Kawan: n maybe Allah dah sampaikan dalam quran or rasulullah

Kawan: cuma x ramai yg nak ambil tahu...

Kawan: tanya kat .....(web islam)

ain: kelas aku 5minit lagi

Kawan: kene marah...

Ain: aku akan cuba cari jawapan ok

kawan: mmg xbole blah

ain: jgnlah putus semangat

ain: xsalah jadi oang yg mencari

ain: xkesahlah orang lain nak marah atau apa, kita cari kebenaran kerana Allah

ain: Allah akan tolong kita cari DIA, iA

Kawan: insyaAllah...

Kawan: ok

Kawan: jage diri

Kawan: till the next time

Kawan: Salam

Ain: salam

Ain: cuba cari dari asma' Allah

Ain: mungkin jumpa sesuatu

Ain: setakat itu aku boleh bagi buat masa ni

*Sign out*

This one question keep rewinding inside my head, stuck there. Like a still water. Yes, my jasad moves busily between the crowds, gadding. The question is simple though:

“Why Allah creates us, when He doesn’t even need us?”

I can answer like this: because He knows best. Or who are we to question Allah. Tapi bukan itu jawapan yang dia nak tahu. My friend is an intelligent fella. He reads a lot. He thinks a lot. That is why I know that he doesn’t need ‘sepele’ answers for this question. Yet I still don’t have time to search in Al-Qur’an or hadith (hanya tahu yang dalam Al-baqarah ada beberapa ayat tentang penciptaan Adam). I also want to know the answer too, not for him, or for anyone else. But for me. Because we are human being. created by Allah to search for the truth(fitrah manusia mencari kebenaran). Bukan hanya menerima seadanya, tapi tidak juga sesuka hati mempertikai kuasa Allah. Mempersoal apa yang di luar wilayah manusia.

P/s: dah lebih seminggu aku masih terkapai-kapai mencari. bimbang juga sahabat hilang pegangan. tapi aku tahu dia kuat. semoga dia dapat sedikit jawapan yang menerangkan. (sometimes right, when you tell your problem to someone, and he/she could not answer it at that time and suddenly 'disappear' from you, that does not mean he/she does not care about you. mungkin diorang pun risau memikirkan masalah kamu, tapi tak tahu bagaimana mahu meladeninya). menemukan sedikit sinar dari surah al-baqarah: ayat 30 dan selanjutnya.

3. As a matter of fact, the third problem is quite complicated, full of jealousy and dangerous yet fun to think about. Simpan sendiri dulu aja, ya. =P

p/s: i will love tomorrow! *insyaAllah* akhirnya, weekend yg free!! :)